Archive | January 2015

The Source of All Light

Sometimes when I sit at church what the speaker says over the pulpit or a song we sing really touches my heart.  I’ve been singing since I could talk and music always seems to touch my soul. We sang this song at church today and I felt that the words really were written for what I have been feeling lately.


Text: James Nicholson, 1828-1876

Music: John R. Sweney, 1837-1899


The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?

By day and by night his presence is near.

He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;

This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.


The Lord is my light;

He is my joy and my song.

By day and by night he leads,

He leads me along.

The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,

Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies

Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.

Then how can I ever in darkness remain?


The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength

I know in his might I’ll conquer at length.

My weakness in mercy he covers with pow’r,

And, walking by faith, I am blest ev’ry hour.


The Lord is my light, my all and in all.

there is in his sight no darkness at all.

He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.

With Saints and with angels his praises I’ll sing.

The words of the last verse really stood out to me. The Lord really does bring me light. He can take away this darkness, this depression that I have been living in for the last year. I feel at times I have been able to shake it off a bit on my own, but I am constantly wrestling with the darkness.  I really do need a source of light to guide and direct me, to show me the way.

I remember as a teenager we went to a special camp for all the young women  in my local church. They had us walk around the camp without any flashlights and we had to rely on our ears and our voices to keep us together. It was a very dark night and many of us stumbled or tripped, but there was always someone to help you back up. I remember as we rounded the corner to a meadow someone had set up a projector with a photo of Jesus Christ with his hands outstretched. It looked like he was standing in the meadow just waiting for us. I was overwhelmed. Even though it was just a projected picture, the light coming from him was so glorious next to the darkness of the night. I wanted to run to him and to embrace him, to have him enfold me in his outstretched arms and tell me that he loved me.

I hope to establish this kind of relationship with my Heavenly Father over the next year as I truly begin to pray again. I haven’t really prayed in a LONG TIME. I think it is about time.

Truly He loves me. Truly He wants me to be happy and to live a life full of light and truth, not a life or darkness and misery. All Satan wants is for us to be miserable and he laughs when he gets us.  He and his concourses of evil helpers have been laughing at me a lot this last year.

I choose light. For Jesus Christ is the “Light and the Life of the World” if you come unto him you won’t perish but have every lasting life.”

 “He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.” -Mosiah 16:9

Finding Happiness

Starting a new year you always have hopes for a “new you.”  Over my life, I feel like I have constantly played the “I Can’t Wait’ game. I never have allowed myself to be happy with the moment.  Growing up I would always look forward to the next big thing and not enjoy where I was at the time. When I was 12, i wanted to be 14. When I was 14, i really wanted to be 16, so I could drive and be allowed to date per my parent’s and a suggested rule for youth growing up in my faith. I would tell myself, “Well, i will be happy when I go to college, or when a boy finally likes me, or when this or that happens. Well, i am tired of living in the future or even reflecting on my mistakes of the past or the “woulda, shoulda, couldas.” The present is truly a gift! I want to open it every day and also be present for my children.

Because my youngest child is starting school in a year and half and knowing that I will need to start contributing to our income,for the last six months have wondered what I wanted to “do.” What now at 36 years old do I want to be when I grow up? I have used my state’s online resources to take personality assessments and job exploration quizzes. I thought about going back to college or getting a new certification. I’ve explored many options. I thought about becoming a teacher so I looked into graduate programs and then I became a substitute teacher at my kids’ school. I looked into getting a real estate license or a legal assisting program. However, in all of my looking, I finally realized that RIGHT NOW, I am doing the job that I have always wanted.

I am my boys’ mom and I have always wanted to be a mother.  I may not get paid with money for taking care of my kids each day, but I get paid in so many other ways. The smiles, the funny words they say, just being there when they need me. I have three amazing boys. They will one day be someone’s husband, someone’s father, and someone’s employee.  In my efforts to “find myself” I really did lose the importance of what I am already doing. I believe that women do have a divine gift of nurturing others, especially children. I love my boys and they are truly gifts from my Heavenly Father. I love them each so much. They are each very different, but also so much the same. They are my little masterpieces. (I can truly say that because we are Painters and my husband and I created some great ones!) I truly am their teacher and the one that they look to for guidance, security, love and acceptance. Being a mother is my dream job and has always been. I am so lucky that I am able to stay home and raise my boys.

Discovering that I am already doing my dream job has also turned on a few other light bulbs that have been blackened out for way too long. I have lived in depression for way too long. As a young teenager, I suffered a lot of verbal abuse from my siblings. I let their name calling and belittling get to me. I thought, “If people this close to me are saying these things about me, then they must be true.” They weren’t true. Yet I called myself those names, they became a part of who I thought I was. I was fat, ugly, and stupid. No man would every really love me and in order for me to be worth something, I had to look like a supermodel and be perfect at everything. I bet you can only guess how well I lived up to those ridiculous expectations!

Each failure to become Cindy Crawford and to just be Karen Gutke weren’t enough. Negativity ruled my life. I became a good actress pretending everything was okay when it wasn’t. Of course I wasn’t ok. I was filling every moment and every thought I had with negativity. As I grew older though, I found that keeping myself busy and doing nice things for other people kept those thoughts at bay

But this last year, I started to dwell in the land of negativity again. I broke back into old habits. I became very depressed. Of course because I was constantly feeding myself negative thoughts! But a few weeks ago, the light turned on again. I realized that I really do have a choice. I can think positively and I choose happiness! I want to be happy. I want to smile! I want to have fun with my boys and make our home a great place to be. When those negative thoughts come into my mind, I can immediately turn the language around and attack them head on.

Of course a lot of negatively does come when I look in the mirror. I still only see a woman who is at her heaviest. However, I am working on it and hope to share with you my progress as I realized that I am beautiful in my own unique way and that I do not have to wait to be happy. I can be happy now with my life. I want to love myself and it will come as I continue to treat myself nicely and to take are of myself. I hope you will follow along with me.

Time to wake up!

A light bulb has finally turned on inside my head! It has taken almost a year of struggling, but I have to say. I am really ready to LIVE! I have been “in the depths of despair” for way too long! It is time to turn on the light and step out of the darkness. 

I talked about the seminar that I listened to in my last post and how I realized that I am the author of my own story! I am in charge of my own happiness, but I really do not have to do it alone! I must say that I the same renewed feelings yesterday and today. I am ready to WAKE UP! I am ready to start working for my own happiness and to “create my AMAZING life!”

I found this scripture today that I really love.

“O that ye would awake; awake from a deep sleep, yea, even from the sleep of hell, and shake off the awful chains by which ye are bound, which are the chains which bind the children of men, that they are carried away captive down to the eternal gulf of misery and woe.” (2 Nephi 1:14)

Over that last year I have listened to the wrong kind of voices. I have listened to the negative voices of the servants of Satan who are trying to drag me down. I was in a deep sleep, a place where I was not allowing the Holy Ghost to speak to me because the negative voices were screaming in my ear. But I WILL NOT listen to them ANYMORE!

I also thought of this classic scripture from seminary,

“Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.” 2 Nephi 2:27

He is miserable. He is angry and he really wants me to fail. He hates me. I feel like I was numb. I had hardened my heart to the Spirit and had allowed myself to fall into the darkness.  But NO LONGER! 

I am going to “Awake, my (daughter) and put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound) 2 Nephi 1:23

On Saturday, my cute eight year old chose to follow Jesus Christ’s example and to be baptized. Now this kid has never really committed a “sin” in his life. He makes mistakes like we all do, but I know he understands the importance of opening the gate towards his own spiritual journey. He is old enough to recognize good and bad and right and wrong.  I know that he knows. He is a great example to me of love and having a fun attitude. 

It puts things into prospective for me to think how much my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me because when I saw my father and my eldest brother in the room at the baptism, I realized that they would do anything for me. I also know that my Heavenly Father and my older Brother Jesus Christ will also do anything for me. I can have the close relationship that I want with them. They are just waiting for me to wake up and open up the door. 

I will choose happiness! I will “shake off” Satan’s bands and I will LIVE!

Baby Steps

I laugh when I think about when I set goals. I start with one and then I think “while I am at it I really need to do this and do that” and I just keep adding more and more goals. I try to do everything on my list for about five days and then I feel overwhelmed and give up. I talked with my husband and he just suggested I do one goal for one month until I’ve got it down and then I can add more things. He is an engineer and extremely sensible. He is the one that keeps me grounded in so many, many ways.

So here is my attempt at improving my life, one Baby Step at a time. My first step is to create this blog where I can write and share my feelings about my physical health, my mental health, and my desire for happiness. if you click on the page about me it says that I have struggled with depression for most of my life. 2014 was a hard year. I thought about ending my life and I do not want to do that. I have struggled since last July to get healthy, mentally, spiritually, and physically and to resurrect the vivacious, fun and creative me that I have killed in such a slow, painful way over the last eighteen years.

I love the movie “What About Bob” and I love this clip.

I really just need to take things one step at a time. Each entry will be like a baby step toward a more healthier me.

One day I will be sailing!